To paraphrase a Bruce Springsteen song, life has been giving me some hard lessons lately, about pain, loss, disability and hope. Years of chronic pain, my mother's death, my hearing impairment and other serious medical problems have sorely tested me. When I finally found a doctor who took my pain seriously, he asked me why I had checked "suicidal thoughts" on my new patient questionnaire. I told him, "I have 30 years ahead of me if I live as long as my mother did. I refuse to live in pain for another 30 years."
In all that I've learned and written since then, the most surprising discovery has been my ability to remain optimistic about my life and my future. If you hear despair, anger, frustration and fear in what I post here, please don't turn away. All is not dark, and eventually a glimmer of hope will light the path ahead.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Many years ago, a mental health provider advised me to "trust the healing process." In other words, go with the flow. That advice made me want to scream, and it still annoys me. I've been trying to analyze and solve my own and other peoples' problems, and second guessing what other people are thinking and what they want from me, for about 30 years. It hasn't worked well for me. I need a road map for the healing journey. I want it all spelled out, chapter and verse, with detailed instructions and guaranteed results. Although I do know that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I still struggle with this matter of trust. I suspect that this is one of the lessons God wants me to learn in this life. The problem is, I've already used up 60 years of that life. The fewer days I have left, the more precious they become. I clearly need to work harder on this. Or maybe not work on it all...